n0t_in_kansas

Day 55
Your Name: Dorothy Gale
Suicidal Ideation: 3/10
Homicidal Ideation: 0/10
Amount of Sleep Last Night: A few hours I suppose
Any Lucid or Vivid Dreams? Explain.: Yes... I remembered everything that happened quite clearly. It cleared a great many things up... It wasn't so much a dream as revisiting a memory. It was a very nice memory I admit.
Moods Experienced Today: Sad, confused, thoughtful, happy, decisive
Mood Triggers: My dream, thinking of Toto, lunch
Significant Thoughts of the Day: How could I have been so wrong?
Favorite Time of Day and Why: When I figured things out.
Least Favorite Time of Day and Why: Before I had my dream.
How You Are Enjoying Your Therapy: I haven't been recently.
Noticable Improvements: I honestly couldn't say. My mood has improved at least. ^^
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    I apologize to anyone who had the misfortune to read that terribly depressing journal from yesterday. I reread it and felt simply appalled. I suppose that's what being in a mental hospital is doing to me though... I'm becoming depressed when I don't have anyone to talk to.
    Toto isn't dead though, I don't know what I was thinking. That Rainbow Bridge story is just so fantasy a sad little girl dreamt up when her pet died. I know where Toto is though, he's in Oz, and Oz is definately not heaven. There are far too many unpleasant things in Oz to be heaven. Mind you, there are many good things too like Glinda and the lion, tin man, and scarecrow, but far too many bad.
    I know what I'll have to do though. I'll have to find the ruby slippers, just as I said before. I don't think they'll just take me home though, I'm sure they'll take me to Oz if I ask. If I say "There's no place like Oz" I'm truly hoping that the slippers will take me there to find Toto. Or perhaps if I say "There's no place like home" it will take me home and put Toto there.
    It's possible I guess that Toto stayed with Auntie Em though... Maybe before I try to travel to Oz it would be simpler to send her a letter. Can you send letters from here?

My dear Auntie Em and Uncle Henry,
       This is a very strange place... It's nothing like Kansas. I still don't understand why you would send me here, but being your niece I regretfully respect your decision to do so. There must have been a mistake though... Toto isn't with me. I do hope that he wasn't left in you know where. Is he here with me and I just have to find him? I didn't see him in animal therapy but I keep hoping he'll turn up. If Toto is home with you two would you please send me a letter as soon as possible saying so? I'm quite lonesome and very worried I left him you know where.
             Thank you, I look forward to your letter,
                   ~Dorothy

    See that? I didn't mention Oz once to them! I hope they know that "You know where" is Oz though... Maybe I could put it in parinthesis... No, I'll have to hope they understand. I can't risk upsetting them with the mention of the reason they sent me here. I suppose grownups can't see the wonder and magic of a place like Oz. Though Auntie Em could certainly use a brake.

    Does anyone know how I can mail this?

~Dorothy

Day 54
Your Name: Dorothy Gale
Suicidal Ideation: 0/10
Homicidal Ideation: 0/10
Amount of Sleep Last Night: None... Maybe an hour from dozing.
Any Lucid or Vivid Dreams? Explain.: Yes... I don't want to talk about it... I'm sorry... I'm just too upset by things at the moment. Even talking about Oz won't make me feel better...
Moods Experienced Today: Sad... So very sad.
Mood Triggers: Reading the story about the Rainbow Bridge
Significant Thoughts of the Day: Is Toto REALLY over the rainbow? Which rainbow... The one to Oz or the one in the story?
Favorite Time of Day and Why: I don't think I had one. Before I read the story I guess.
Least Favorite Time of Day and Why: Reading the Rainbow Bridge, sitting by myself to think about it.
How You Are Enjoying Your Therapy: I haven't been recently.
Noticable Improvements: No... Or perhaps yes... Can't really tell right now.
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    Today I read the most saddening story. A friend showed it to me because they liked the idea, but its made me very, very sad to think about. It's all about the Rainbow Bridge, the side of heaven closest to earth where pets wait when they've died for their friend to die too so they can cross together. I suppose it was meant to make a pet owner feel better, but its ever so sad to me.
    The bridge story made me think today... What if Oz is that side of the rainbow? After all... Just before I went there I was thinking to myself that I wanted to go 'somewhere over the rainbow'. What if Oz is really heaven? What if, since I was visiting, Toto had (as my aunt tried to explain to me) died and he was able to cross to heaven?
    But Oz couldn't be heaven... Not with that wicked witch there. Could it? But if it was... Wouldn't that mean that since I came home, came back from Oz, what if that really means I came back almost dieing in that tornado? What if, since I'm here, Toto is now sitting on the less pleasant side of the rainbow waiting for me? He's not very good at making friends... I'm so sure he's lonely if that's where he is.
    I'm so very, very sad. Is it possible Toto really was put down by that wicked Mrs.Gulch? Is it possible that he's... That he's really gone?
    Oh Toto... Where are you?

((OOC: Note to everyone. The story Dorothy read was literally called The Rainbow Bridge and by typing those three words in google you will find it as the first link I believe if you want to read it. My sister read it and retold me the story. When I heard it though instead of thinking how cute it was, I was appalled thinking that my dog would be stuck just outside of heaven until I died. I read it and also saw the sweet side of it, but realized that it made a perfect analogy to Dorothy's predicament. For those who are surprised she's realized the truth so soon, don't be. It won't last. Day 45 she'll be sure she was just having an off day when she wrote this and have a full explanation for where Toto is.))

Day 53
Your Name: Dorothy Gale
Suicidal Ideation: 0/10
Homicidal Ideation: 0/10
Amount of Sleep Last Night: More than usual. I had many pleasant dreams.
Any Lucid or Vivid Dreams? Explain.: Oh yes, all about Oz and Toto, Glinda and the slippers! Oh, but I can't talk about them... I'm sorry. I'm not afraid that staff are watching my journal. Maybe another day I'll explain Oz... Away from suspicious glances. I'm rather tired of people scoffing at my memories.
Moods Experienced Today: Happy, annoyed, sad, hopeful
Mood Triggers: Looking for Toto in Animal Therapy
Significant Thoughts of the Day: Staff should mind their own business, I MUST get home, and I'm not crazy.
Favorite Time of Day and Why: Animal Therapy. I'll have to talk about what happened tomorrow though, I'm afraid I'm too tired right now to talk about it properly today.
Least Favorite Time of Day and Why: Waking up... Everything was so pleasant until I realized where I was.
How You Are Enjoying Your Therapy: I was especially enjoying animal therapy. I haven't attended normal therapy recently.
Noticable Improvements: Yes, I've stopped telling everyone about Oz, even those who ask. I am starting to keep my thoughts about Oz to myself. Maybe if I keep this up I'll be able to go home to Auntie Em. When she realizes I'm not crazy I'm sure she'll listen to my stories about Oz.

    I have a plan! It's a secret though! Shhhhhhh!!! I wanted to post it here, but no one can know about it because I'm afraid a staff member will see it and stop me, and that would be so terrible. It's such a lovely plan... It'll take time, but I'm sure it will work. I'm sure I'll be able to get out of Malaise this way.
    Oh, I'm not hurting anyone, I promise. I'd never hurt someone no matter how much I want to go home. That would be a terrible thing to do! And its nothing that's not allowed... It's more a matter of cunning, which I pride myself on having. I'm just so sure it will work, but I can't let someone tell a staff member. Oh no, it must be kept a secret!

~Dorothy Gale (Shh!)

Day 52
Your Name: Dorothy Gale
Suicidal Ideation: 0/10
Homicidal Ideation: 0/10
Amount of Sleep Last Night: Not much.. I was far too busy plotting. I think I've come up with a sure fire plan this time! I'm sure it'll work!
Any Lucid or Vivid Dreams? Explain.: Well, its rather difficult to dream when you don't sleep, but I thought a lot about Oz... And Kansas. I've met some very lovely people in Malaise and I remember many of them from Oz... I'm trying to get better about saying that mind you, but so far it hasn't worked very well. After thinking about it all night I have a plan though... I'm so sure it will work!
Moods Experienced Today: Lonely, ponderous, excited, proud, (almost) happy.
Mood Triggers: Coming up with a plan, learning of a party to be held to celebrate an anniversary of some sort.
Significant Thoughts of the Day: I know how to go home (though still haven't found Toto)!
Favorite Time of Day and Why: Last night (though that's not really today) as I thought of my plan!
Least Favorite Time of Day and Why: Every time I saw a flaw in the plan. They're fixed now though, I'm sure of it.
How You Are Enjoying Your Therapy: I've only been once, but it was enjoyable I suppose. Not as unpleasant as I first imagined it would be.
Noticable Improvements: Yes, I have a plan to leave and I'm sure that's an improvements. I also met someone and didn't tell them they were one of the taller munchkins in Oz. 

Day 51
Your Name: Dorothy Gale
Suicidal Ideation: 0/10
Homicidal Ideation: 0/10
Amount of Sleep Last Night: Not very well... I found my room with the help of a very nice young woman. I didn't sleep well at all though... I was much too busy worrying where Toto could have gone.
Any Lucid or Vivid Dreams? Explain.: I dreamt about Oz again... Oh it was so lovely. This time that nice person I met was in it in the Emerald City. I forget her name, but I'm sure she was there. It was all about defeating the witch and exposing the wizard for a fraud. The dream didn't stay nice though... I started dreaming that I went back to Kansas at last and that no one would believe me. I dreamt that everyone thought I had lost my mind because of being hit on the head during a tornado. But sadly, after waking up I realized that wasn't a dream at all.... Toto was in Oz though! Oh I was so happy to see him again. I miss him so terribly... Where could my poor dog be I wonder.
Moods Experienced Today: Sad, lonely, happy for a brief time, scared, nervous, determined.
Mood Triggers: Filling out this sheet, meeting my therapist, getting lost, meeting someone new in the hallway.
Significant Thoughts of the Day: Malaise may not be such a bad place to be if I must be here for a while in order to find a way home. Some of the people here are very friendly. Don't worry though, I'm still just as determined as ever to find Toto and the Ruby Slippers.
Favorite Time of Day and Why: This morning... Before I was left here.
Least Favorite Time of Day and Why: Every time since I came to Malaise... Every moment, second, hour...
How You Are Enjoying Your Therapy: Well, therapy was alright I suppose. It was rather nice talking about Oz to someone who didn't think I was insane. Yes, I'd say it was rather enjoyable. My therapist talks a bit strangely calling people 'cats' (goodness I hope I'm not a cat... Toto doesn't like cats) but otherwise seems very nice.
Noticable Improvements: Yes, I think its possible Toto is either still in Oz or here with me. I think the Ruby slippers didn't transport him for some reason and Glinda may have sent him to me personally. She's kind enough to do that. People keep mentioning animal therapy, I'll have to look there.
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I have met some very delightful people already here at Malaise. Though I still want very badly to go home, I suppose staying, at least for a while, might not be bad. No one's seen Toto or the Ruby slippers by any chance... Have they?

~Dorothy

I shouldn't be here... I don't understand. I just don't understand how I ended up here at all... I'm not insane... I know its real, it's there! Oz exists, I didn't imagine it! The yellow brick road, the munchkins, the witch, they all exist! I traveled the road with the scarecrow, lion, and tinman... I killed the wicked witch (completely by accident)... I got home. Oh I got home to Auntie Em only to be sent away. I'm scared...
    The wizard exists too... They don't believe me that he's back in Kansas with Auntie Em and Uncle Henry. They don't believe that he took a hot air balloon back... That he left me in Oz only to be 'rescued' by Glinda and those wonderful ruby slippers.
    Oh dear... Why wouldn't you believe me Auntie Em? Why wouldn't you listen Uncle Henry? I didn't make it up... I'm not insane... It was THERE. Over the rainbow... Somewhere over the rainbow...
    Oh if I could only find those ruby slippers again... I'm sure they'd work to get me home. Glinda said that I had to discover it for myself, and I did. I found out there was no place like home. I found out I never wanted to leave Kansas again... And I was sent away...
    Toto.... I have to find him. Did he come with me? I'm sure he did... He always is able to find me no matter where I go. But then... I haven't seen him since I returned from Oz. I know he was in Oz with me... That awful witch threatened to drown him... Is it possible he's still in Oz? Glinda said the shoes would transport him too, but what if they didn't?
    I've got to find Toto... I've just got to. I've got to find my only friend... He's the only one who really believes me... Oh Toto, where are you???

((OOC: This is Dorothy Gale from the move "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" played by Judy Garland. It's the only version I've seen and I haven't read the books though I have read enough to know she varies from different versions. This is her introduction. Just so people know what really did happen with this slight variation, Dorothy imagined Oz (which by the movie, it makes you think she might have anyway). Toto however was taken by the "witch" (neighbor) and was deemed dangerous and euthanized. She was basically traumatized by her 'best friend' being killed and chose to forget it and instead believe in Oz, where everything was good with the wicked witch dead and where Toto was still alive. She has now basically convinced herself of her own story.))

EDIT:

Well... I'm a bit calmer now (though not much... Where's Toto?) and I have remembered that a bit ago I was instructed to fill out a therapy sheet. So... Not wanting to get in trouble, I suppose I will.

Day 50
Your Name: Dorothy Gale
Suicidal Ideation: 0/10
Homicidal Ideation: 0/10
Amount of Sleep Last Night: I slept very well last night thank you. That was when I was still in Kansas of course... My head hurt quite a bit, but otherwise I got probably a full nights.
Any Lucid or Vivid Dreams? Explain.: Oh yes! I dreamt all about Oz last night and remembered all the wonderful people I met there. In my dream I was able to thank Glinda for sending me home... And I remember the munchkins throwing me the most wonderful parade for killing the SECOND wicked witch for them. Oh, it was truly marvelous. And Toto, he was with me in my dream and he had fun chasing all the cats he could find without any nasty neighbor stopping him. I'm quite looking forward to remembering Oz again... My dreams seem to be the only place that people believe me in. You always dream about fake things in real places, right?
Moods Experienced Today: Very, very sad to be here. I also miss Toto a great deal. Oh where could he be? Also a great deal of fright realizing I was alone here... And a very short fit of anger at Auntie Em for not believing me.
Mood Triggers: Being sent here, not being able to find Toto, filling out this sheet.
Significant Thoughts of the Day: I MUST FIND TOTO! I also had some about the Ruby slippers... I'm just sure they'll take me home if I can find them.
Favorite Time of Day and Why: This morning... Before I was left here.
Least Favorite Time of Day and Why: Every time since I came to Malaise... Every moment, second, hour...
How You Are Enjoying Your Therapy: I haven't gone to it yet, nor  do I particularly look forward to it. I'm not insane, and listening to a therapist tell me I am is far from pleasant in my opinion.
Noticable Improvements: No, my memories of Oz have gotten fuzzier all through the day. I'll have to work hard tonight while I dream to remember the details. Maybe I'll think of where Toto can be...
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